My Why

 Why?  Why am I writing a blog?  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for while. To share my love of weather, Disney and baking. Also to share my experiences as a woman who struggles with low self-esteem. 

It has taken me a long time to gather the courage to start this blog because of my self-esteem issues.  I am a people pleaser and if even one person reacted negatively (unpleased) that would to me be failure.  During my formative years, very little that I ever did was good enough. It seemed that because of that I never made anyone proud, I was useless. So I learned that I needed to please everyone around me and do exactly what they wanted in order to make them proud. I associated other people being proud of me with self-worth. I could only be happy if I was doing what others wanted and making them proud of me.  But I wasn’t happy.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around why. I eventually decided that I was taking on an impossible task because I can’t please everyone all of the time. That meant it would be impossible for me to be happy.  I never for one second thought about doing what I wanted. I never even considered that THAT might be the key to my own happiness. 

Fast forward a couple of decades and I’m still at it. So what changed and made me change my mind about starting this blog?  One podcast. Embrace Your Real by Julie A. Ledbetter. I was listening to an episode that seemed like it was meant for me. One thing she said really stuck with me. She said that I could probably name 5 people who like me for who I am when I am being myself with no filters. My immediate thought was no way. But as I thought about it I realized that I could.  So the next step was why do I care what anyone else thinks?  My immediate thought was because I’m a people pleaser. But why do I need to be a people pleaser? If I can only worry about pleasing one person, myself, then that would take so much extra work off my plate. To top it off, those 5 people will still like me regardless. Maybe that is the key to my own happiness.

That is my why. This blog is my experiment. I’m doing something I want to do and using it to see if it makes me a happier person. Plus if I can help someone else in the process that is even better.  So far I’m happy I did this and I’ll be adding other experiments as I go along and documenting them here. 

Here’s to happiness!!!!

Second Guesses

 I have spent the majority of my life second guessing every decision I make, every conversation I have, everything I do or don’t do. I’m incapable of making decisions because I’m afraid of making the wrong one. So I end up over analyzing everything to death.  I replay conversations with people in my head on a constant loop shaming myself for saying this or not saying that. It’s exhausting!!!!!

Yesterday, a new school year started.  I decided to take this opportunity to try to have conversations with my colleagues and not second guess or replay conversations.  I’m a shy, introverted person by nature so talking to anyone in the first place is hard enough.  I was determined so I started by saying hello to anyone who entered my work space.  Most people said hello and moved on.  Some people completely ignored me.  I don’t get that!  Honestly, I spend a serious amount of time avoiding people and conversations.  I will go out of my way to avoid crossing paths with other people if at all possible.  But if someone says hello to me, even shy, introverted me can’t just ignore them.  I always return the greeting.  It takes no time at all to return a greeting and then be on my way.  It takes effort for someone like me but to not return the greeting seems downright rude.  My shyness has led people to label me stuck up or a snob or unfriendly and I totally get that but I will not tolerate being labeled as rude!  So I put forth the effort and return any and all greetings directed at me and probably some that aren’t too.

So while I did encounter some rude people, there were also people who stopped to chat.  I resolved to have conversations with these individuals and not second guess everything I said or didn’t say.  Well, I did it.  I had the conversations and then put it right out of my head.  Once it was done I moved on.  I didn’t question anything or over analyze the meaning behind things the other person said.  I’m classic for that too.  What did he/she mean by that?  Nine times out of ten just what they said or asked with no other motive but I am relatively gifted at coming up with all kinds of scenarios and hidden meanings.  Yesterday though I put that talent on the back burner.  

The strangest thing happened.  My brain wasn’t busy overthinking so it had time to do other things, like focusing on what I was actually doing!  Plus I was able to give my brain the rest it needed by turning it off and getting a good night’s sleep.  It was a minor miracle!

Plus one of my conversational participants even stopped in the hall to talk to me again on the way out of the building after work and another stopped in to chat again today!  

It wasn’t easy going against everything I’ve ever done but I resolved to do it so I did.  I can’t guarantee that I will always be able to do this but as with all things that I am working to improve I am just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to keep moving forward!