Second Guesses

 I have spent the majority of my life second guessing every decision I make, every conversation I have, everything I do or don’t do. I’m incapable of making decisions because I’m afraid of making the wrong one. So I end up over analyzing everything to death.  I replay conversations with people in my head on a constant loop shaming myself for saying this or not saying that. It’s exhausting!!!!!

Yesterday, a new school year started.  I decided to take this opportunity to try to have conversations with my colleagues and not second guess or replay conversations.  I’m a shy, introverted person by nature so talking to anyone in the first place is hard enough.  I was determined so I started by saying hello to anyone who entered my work space.  Most people said hello and moved on.  Some people completely ignored me.  I don’t get that!  Honestly, I spend a serious amount of time avoiding people and conversations.  I will go out of my way to avoid crossing paths with other people if at all possible.  But if someone says hello to me, even shy, introverted me can’t just ignore them.  I always return the greeting.  It takes no time at all to return a greeting and then be on my way.  It takes effort for someone like me but to not return the greeting seems downright rude.  My shyness has led people to label me stuck up or a snob or unfriendly and I totally get that but I will not tolerate being labeled as rude!  So I put forth the effort and return any and all greetings directed at me and probably some that aren’t too.

So while I did encounter some rude people, there were also people who stopped to chat.  I resolved to have conversations with these individuals and not second guess everything I said or didn’t say.  Well, I did it.  I had the conversations and then put it right out of my head.  Once it was done I moved on.  I didn’t question anything or over analyze the meaning behind things the other person said.  I’m classic for that too.  What did he/she mean by that?  Nine times out of ten just what they said or asked with no other motive but I am relatively gifted at coming up with all kinds of scenarios and hidden meanings.  Yesterday though I put that talent on the back burner.  

The strangest thing happened.  My brain wasn’t busy overthinking so it had time to do other things, like focusing on what I was actually doing!  Plus I was able to give my brain the rest it needed by turning it off and getting a good night’s sleep.  It was a minor miracle!

Plus one of my conversational participants even stopped in the hall to talk to me again on the way out of the building after work and another stopped in to chat again today!  

It wasn’t easy going against everything I’ve ever done but I resolved to do it so I did.  I can’t guarantee that I will always be able to do this but as with all things that I am working to improve I am just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to keep moving forward!