Perception

 Same thing, two different ways of seeing it.  Does this happen to us too?  Do we see ourselves differently than others see us?  This week I did an experiment to see if I do and HOW differently I see myself. 

I see myself as slightly overweight, so-so looking, short and a bit on the frumpy side. I’m also dedicated, hard working, helpful (sometimes too helpful), sarcastic, have average intelligence, am dependent on others (not independent) and desperate for people to like me.  There are things I’m really working on changing about myself such as gaining confidence and listening more, talking less and REALLY listening instead of trying to formulate a response the whole time. 

I made the above list and then I asked some volunteers for help with this. Some are my friends, some are just acquaintances and some I’ve never even met in person but just talk with online.  I asked all of them the same question. How do you see me?  Disclaimer, I told each of the volunteers that they needed to tell me the bad too because I needed a realistic view but very few of them came back with negative comments. I’m not vain enough to think that there is nothing negative to say about me but let’s get to the results and then we’ll discuss this further. 

So I’ll start with my good friends. They see me as beautiful, loyal, introverted, supportive, complimentary, a good listener and wanting of people to like me.  Some of these things made my list, some didn’t and some were the complete opposite of how I see myself.  Hmmmm...

Now, how did those who maybe don’t know me quite so well see me?  Some words that came up were intelligent, straightforward, focused, fit, committed, kind, friendly, gorgeous, balanced, loves my work, loyal, strong, hard working.  Same deal as above. 

We agreed that I was hard working, dedicated/committed, helpful/kind and I want people to like me.  But, we disagreed on my intelligence level, my level of beauty, strength and my listening ability.  Why is that?  Is it because I know myself better than they do or because I’m a lot harder on myself than they are on me?Or is it because they don’t see the flaws that I feel are so prominently displayed?  Probably a bit of all of these.  In general, most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others.  I prefer to consider it that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.  I’m also much more willing to forgive flaws in others, or not even notice them to begin with, than I am to forgive or not notice them in myself. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I’m much more comfortable giving a compliment than I am accepting one. In part that is not wanting to appear egotistical.  Not one person mentioned that I was egotistical but in not accepting those compliments as the truth, my self-confidence suffers. 

There has to be a balance between what we see in ourselves and what others see. I was pleasantly surprised that there were some things we agreed on. A few months ago that would not have happened because I would have not seen anything positive in myself.  I’m still working. Maybe one day I’ll see the same things in myself that others do.  Until then, I’ll keep working.

Special thank you goes out to LZ, DK, JG, VM and KS for your help with this experiment!  Thank you for seeing the good in me!