Labels

 These days it seems like we put a label on everything. “Heart healthy”, “lo-cal”, “good food”, “bad food”,  you get the idea. The labeling doesn’t stop with food though. We put labels on ourselves and others.  Even the government slaps labels on us.  Most of the time when we as people are labeled we are also put into a one size fits all group.  I have a BIG problem with that. People are not one size fits all or one size fits most. We are one size fits one but to make things easier we are given labels and shoved into a group that most likely doesn’t fit us in any way. 

Specifically, I’m going to focus on health. There are other things I could talk about but some of those things could easily become political and since I am a-political (I abhor everything to do with politics, and there I go labeling myself) I’m going to steer clear of most of those topics.  The current pandemic has focused a lot on a scale used to characterize people and put them into a group.  Again a one size fits all approach.  I’m talking about the BMI scale. I HATE this scale. I hate it because I have spent much of my adult life trying to fit into a group that I will never fit into. 

My husband and I were talking about this today. He is in the obese group and I’m in the overweight group. Meanwhile his brother who is tall and lanky would be in the healthy weight group.  These groups are used to determine who is healthy and who is not. Why is that wrong and why do these groups not fit any of us? I eat healthy most of the time and exercise religiously. I am without a doubt healthier now than I was 20 years ago when I weighed 20 lbs less. I was then stuffing my face with fried and processed foods and not exercising at all.  Yet, I was considered healthy because I was in the healthy weight category.  Was I really healthy?

My husband also now works out every day and eats in a way that makes him feel good. But we are both built differently than his brother.  My husband was never at a healthy weight, therefore he has always been considered unhealthy. But his blood pressure is now much less than it was even 5 years ago and he is in better shape. Is he really unhealthy?

On the other side of the spectrum, there is my husband’s brother. He doesn’t have the best diet and doesn’t exercise but because of his build he never gains weight.  He is in the healthy weight range so he is considered healthy.  But is he?

None of us fit into the categories that we are thrown into because our genes play a roll in how much we weigh and what size and shape we are.  Don’t get me wrong, we do have an obesity problem in this country that needs to be addressed but these labels are not the best way to go about solving that problem. That is a blog for another day. 

Perception

 Same thing, two different ways of seeing it.  Does this happen to us too?  Do we see ourselves differently than others see us?  This week I did an experiment to see if I do and HOW differently I see myself. 

I see myself as slightly overweight, so-so looking, short and a bit on the frumpy side. I’m also dedicated, hard working, helpful (sometimes too helpful), sarcastic, have average intelligence, am dependent on others (not independent) and desperate for people to like me.  There are things I’m really working on changing about myself such as gaining confidence and listening more, talking less and REALLY listening instead of trying to formulate a response the whole time. 

I made the above list and then I asked some volunteers for help with this. Some are my friends, some are just acquaintances and some I’ve never even met in person but just talk with online.  I asked all of them the same question. How do you see me?  Disclaimer, I told each of the volunteers that they needed to tell me the bad too because I needed a realistic view but very few of them came back with negative comments. I’m not vain enough to think that there is nothing negative to say about me but let’s get to the results and then we’ll discuss this further. 

So I’ll start with my good friends. They see me as beautiful, loyal, introverted, supportive, complimentary, a good listener and wanting of people to like me.  Some of these things made my list, some didn’t and some were the complete opposite of how I see myself.  Hmmmm...

Now, how did those who maybe don’t know me quite so well see me?  Some words that came up were intelligent, straightforward, focused, fit, committed, kind, friendly, gorgeous, balanced, loves my work, loyal, strong, hard working.  Same deal as above. 

We agreed that I was hard working, dedicated/committed, helpful/kind and I want people to like me.  But, we disagreed on my intelligence level, my level of beauty, strength and my listening ability.  Why is that?  Is it because I know myself better than they do or because I’m a lot harder on myself than they are on me?Or is it because they don’t see the flaws that I feel are so prominently displayed?  Probably a bit of all of these.  In general, most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others.  I prefer to consider it that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.  I’m also much more willing to forgive flaws in others, or not even notice them to begin with, than I am to forgive or not notice them in myself. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I’m much more comfortable giving a compliment than I am accepting one. In part that is not wanting to appear egotistical.  Not one person mentioned that I was egotistical but in not accepting those compliments as the truth, my self-confidence suffers. 

There has to be a balance between what we see in ourselves and what others see. I was pleasantly surprised that there were some things we agreed on. A few months ago that would not have happened because I would have not seen anything positive in myself.  I’m still working. Maybe one day I’ll see the same things in myself that others do.  Until then, I’ll keep working.

Special thank you goes out to LZ, DK, JG, VM and KS for your help with this experiment!  Thank you for seeing the good in me!

To Me With Love

 How did I get here?  How did I get to the point where I would give myself a Valentine and mean it?  If you had asked me even 3 months ago to do something like that I would have laughed and said maybe in about 10-20 years.  I’ve talked a bit about listening to a podcast and trying to find out why others like me and believe me that helped. One day I did look in the mirror and say to myself, “You are 44 years old and overweight but you don’t look bad for someone older and others love you so I do too.”  And that was HUGE but it didn’t get me to where I am today. That was just over 2 months ago.  Now I look at myself and say I am beautiful and I’m happy to be me. Some parts of that statement have disappeared and other parts have been enhanced. 

Let’s start with the overweight thing. According to my BMI, I am in the overweight category. That has always weighed very heavily on me, no pun intended. My happiness depended on what the scale said. A few years ago I had DNA testing done and one of the results was my ideal weight. It is the weight I’m at right now. I discounted it because that was overweight so it couldn’t possibly be right. Enter the Embrace Your Real podcast where I constantly heard that my happiness should not depend on a number, weight is just the effect of gravity on your body, my weight does not define who I am. I wished. The problem was that my weight DID define me. It defined me as overweight. But I kept hearing those messages and I also heard that there is someone out there who is longing to be the weight I am right now. That last one really helped to put things into perspective for me.  I workout so I have muscles. I don’t always eat 100% nutritious but I eat what makes my body feel good about 90% of the time. So maybe those charts are wrong. Maybe this IS my ideal weight. 

I have one friend who has probably helped me more than she will ever know. She has a loving family, lots of friends and is probably the nicest, kindest, most forgiving person I have ever met. And she actually wants to be friends with me!  Pre-COVID-19 she would seek me out to hang out with me. I’m not going to  lie and say I understand why because I don’t see it but if someone like her loves me then there must be some reason and maybe I should love me too. 

Lots of progress has been made in a short period of time and I still have work to do but today I passed another milestone. I hide behind my hair. I have long hair and I always, always, always wear it down unless I’m working out or in the pool.  But all winter of blow drying and straightening has taken its toll and my hair is fried. It needed a break from all of that. So I washed it and put it up in a bun today. I feel awkward but I’m going to do it because it’s a step forward and I probably don’t look as bad as I think I do. 

This Valentines Day love yourself because there are lots of people out there who love you too!

Winter of Discontent

I am not a lover of winter.  I am just not well suited for a winter climate.  Cold air really bothers my asthma so I’m not a fan of the cold.  I don’t have one positive thought when it snows because I’m stuck in the house. I love my house but I need to leave it regularly.  Snowy roads make it hard to do that.  The flat light from gray skies and a snow covered ground makes me tired and gives me a headache. Ugh! 

This week all of the above things plus pandemic related issues made SAD hit me like a Mack truck. I’ve always been able to just deal with my seasonal disorder.  I just push it to the back of my mind and carry on. This week was different. It was like I was living my own personal Groundhog Day except Sonny and Cher didn’t sing me awake daily.  While we are on the subject of Groundhog Day it is perpetually cloudy in Central Pennsylvania and on Tuesday it was snowing so how did that little bugger see his shadow?  But I digress. So what made this week and this year any different?

It snowed literally for 4 days straight. Continuously.  I’m not joking!  I was stuck at home for 3 of those days.  I live in an area where most days during the winter are cloudy with at least some flurries but 4 straight days of full on snow?  Too much for me. Strike 1. 

Mask wearing all day at work has taken it’s toll on my asthma. In one year my asthma attacks have increased more than tenfold. Wednesday I tried out a new mask that was not my favorite asthma mask, which they don’t make anymore. Wednesday night I was up all night having asthma attacks. I had nine which believe it or not was not a personal record for me since last March. I was exhausted and spent all day Thursday gasping for breath. Strike 2 and 3. 

As I looked at weather models on Thursday to contemplate another snow event that night, one possible on Sunday and yet another on Tuesday I almost burst into tears. From then on, everything that day made me want to cry.  I had hit a low I hadn’t been at before.  I struggled for one day.  My heart goes out to those who feel this way EVERY day.

So, if the winter bothers me so much why don’t I just move?  Well, my husband’s job is here and my son is almost done with high school so for the time being I’m stuck. But I don’t think it’s just the winter. Usually I don’t struggle as much in the winter. When you add in the pandemic, mask wearing making my asthma worse, not seeing some of my friends or family in more than a year and certainly not getting together with friends on a regular basis it really wears you down. I’m sure there are many people suffering. I usually suffer in silence and I’m sure there are many people suffering in silence as well. 

Since I may not know if someone is suffering this week I vow to be kind because you never know what people are dealing with and I don’t want to add anything to that. Kindness...pass it on.  With 6 accumulating snow events possible over the course of the next week and a half I’m going to try to take a deep breath and soldier on.  41 days until spring.