Leap of Faith

 For close to 10 years now I have debated going back to school to get a masters degree in library and information science. I always had some reason why it wasn’t a good idea. I like my current job, I wouldn’t be able to work in a school, I don’t have time, I don’t know if that’s what I really want to do. The list went on and on. But all of those were just excuses and not the REASON why I didn’t want to go back to school.   The reason was that I was afraid and embarrassed to fail. 

I was a good student in high school. I never had to try. Everything just came naturally to me.  I was one of the top students in my class. Then I went to college.  Not only wasn’t I the top student anymore but as I sat in physics and calculus classes I realized I was behind and struggling. I’d never had to study before and didn’t really know how to do it. There was no time for partying in college because I spent every waking minute trying to keep my head above water.  Even though I graduated with a BS degree in meteorology from one of the top schools for that discipline, I considered my college career a failure because my GPA wasn’t what I wanted it to be. 

I had lost my student mojo. I didn’t think I could be successful in graduate school so I just stuck with the status quo. If I didn’t try, I wouldn’t fail.  Then the pandemic hit and my employers decided that they could remove me from my job and put me in another job whenever they wanted.  It made me miserable to not be in the job I was hired to do.  So I finally decided to do something about it.  I enrolled in graduate school.

I don’t know how things will turn out, but if I fail I’m in no worse shape than I am right now. I’m nervous every time I submit an assignment but I’m learning a lot so if nothing else I will have gained knowledge which is invaluable. 

I Made A Mistake

 Why is it so hard for most of us to admit that we were wrong or we made a mistake?  Is it because it makes us feel like a a failure or makes us seem like less of a person in front of our peers?  Most people are more than willing to make excuses or blame things on others instead of admitting we were wrong.  Has this become so commonplace that most of us just expect it or when we refuse to admit our mistakes does it make others think less of us?  

I grew up in a household where one person was always right which meant that the rest of us were always wrong.  So I learned early on to just take the blame.  I will admit that I am wrong and apologize for it even if I’m not.  It makes me feel like a sap.  That is the opposite extreme and not healthy to do.  I’m working on not doing that but I do still want to admit when I make a mistake.  It is a very slippery slope but something I need to do. When someone admits that they are wrong I always admire and trust them more.  

To err is human so if we never admit our mistakes, what does that say about us?  We are now one year into the pandemic. It was an unprecedented situation that none of us could ever have anticipated. We all have been trying our best but I’m sure all of us have made mistakes or said something we shouldn’t have because we were scared.  I know I sure have.  With the hindsight and knowledge gained in the last year, do you have the courage to admit your short falls from this past year and make amends or are you still playing the blame game?

Disney Difference

 I LOVE Disney!  I try to get to Walt Disney World twice a year. I was there last year when they announced that they were closing and I just got back from another trip. What is Disney World like post pandemic?  There are plenty of changes so buckle up and we’ll go through them. 

Probably the most obvious one is face masks. Notice I said masks and not coverings. That is because it must be a mask. No gators or bandanas allowed.  Masks must be worn everywhere on Disney property with very few exceptions.  If you are eating or drinking you can remove your mask BUT you must be stationary while it is removed.  You also do not need to wear a mask in the privacy of your resort room. I also did not wear one on my private balcony. I was pleasantly surprised to find that we didn’t need to wear a mask while at the pool. You needed to wear one to get food or use the restroom but I spent a pleasant afternoon in a lounge chair reading a book without my mask on. In each of the parks there are also relaxation stations where you can get a break from mask wearing.  My family and I used those a few times  to catch our breath. Overall, I found the mask wearing not as bad as I thought it would be.  However, during a hot, Florida summer it might be pretty unbearable.  

You MUST make a reservation for a park each day you would like to enjoy a park.  Disney limits capacity so that is why you must register.  Earlier this year Disney started allowing park hopping if your ticket allows it and there is room at the park.  We park hopped a few times during our trip and didn’t have an issue.  In order to park hop you must enter the park you reserved first. You also are not allowed to park hop before 2:00.  The times we park hopped were for dinner reservations and for late night hours. I was nervous because the parks seemed at normal crowd levels but we didn’t have a problem. You don’t need to make a second reservation to park hop. You just show up at the next park. Only one time was a park at capacity during our stay and it was the park we had reserved for that day so it all worked out. 

No fast pass???  As of right now that is correct. There is no fast pass. Standby for every attraction. I’m not 100% sure of the reasoning behind this. The reason I heard was that they were using the fast pass queues for spreading people out in standby lines. They do spread you out. There are lines every 6 feet but in most cases the lines were out into the park or down little side alleys and not in the fast pass queue.  It was very confusing. A cast member stands at the end of the line with a sign announcing the end of the line. Sometimes that person is not anywhere near the attraction. For example, the Frozen Ever After line started in the China Pavilion.  Some sections of lines were roped in and others were not. With the 6 foot spacing that led to people jumping into the lines in the middle.  It was a bit crazy. Fast pass lines were being used for disability parties. They are given a time much like a fast pass and return to the attraction at that time. We spoke to a cast member who told us that you need to show Disney no documentation to be granted the disability pass. Just show up and say you are disabled. I’m sure abuse of that system was rampant. 

With no fast pass attraction wait times were long.  Disney posts wait times and we found them to be correct for some attractions and not so much for others. We waited the posted 85 minutes for Splash Mountain and Navi River journey.  But, the posted wait time for Big Thunder Mountain was 40 minutes and we waited 15 each time we rode. Same for Haunted Mansion and others.  Be prepared to be patient, expect to wait and expect that groups will cut in front of you. On our last day 4 individual groups cut in front of us on the line for Haunted Mansion. I just had to tell myself they didn’t know and let them go. 

On a side note, eating dinner in the Mexico Pavilion is one of my favorite things. I am glad I didn’t reserve that for this trip however. There was a line to even get in to the pyramid which you would need to wait in even if you are eating there or just shopping there. Then inside the pyramid there is another line for the Gran Fiesta Tour (single file, zig zagging line with plexiglass between the rows...very claustrophobic).  

Speaking of eating, lots of restaurants and shops too for that matter were closed.  If you are planning a day  look closely at your options because some places just aren’t open. Two of my favorite quick serve restaurants were closed, Pizzafari and Columbia Harbor House. Not sure why Pizzafari was closed but the Columbia Harbor House is being used as the line for Peter Pan’s Flight.  They are serving some of that food at the Tomorrowland Terrace but it isn’t advertised. Also, most places have very limited menus. They are not serving their usual fare. I am used to eating a certain way and I just wasn’t able to because of the limited menus. Be prepared to be flexible and adaptable. 

Transportation was also not immune to changes. We stayed on the monorail line this time but the monorail to EPCOT was not running. Only the resort monorail and the express monorail. All of the monorails got inside makeovers to match the outside theming (no more blue seats). They also have plastic up in numbered sections and a cast member assigns you a car and section. Each section seats 2 people.  The bus is the same way seats are numbered usually in groups of 2 or 3 with plastic between the sections.  The bus driver assigns you a seat number. No standing is allowed on the bus. Maybe 5 or 6 groups can fit on the bus at one time (unless scooters are getting on which means even less). We often had to wait multiple buses and they only arrive about every 20 minutes on average.  Patience and lots of extra time are needed for the bus. A few times we ended up just calling an Uber because scooters kept showing up for the bus we were waiting for so we knew it would be a very long wait as they get precedence. There is no more Minnie Van service so Uber or Lyft would be the only options now for alternate transportation unless you have a car. 

There are now tents set up outside of the parks or before you get on the monorail to check your temperature.  All members of your party must have no fever for entry.  It was warm and we had no issues. Best advice would be don’t go to the park if you feel ill.  

On the plus side of things there is no more waiting on line for bag checks before entering the parks.  Disney has these fancy scanners that you walk through now that detect if you are carrying a weapon.  You only need to have a bag search if the scanner detects something unusual.  It was a much more pleasant experience.  

I think that is most of the big pandemic changes. Overall, we still had fun. It was nice to get away after a full year of being home.  The magic is still there, you may just have to look a little bit harder to find it. 

Labels

 These days it seems like we put a label on everything. “Heart healthy”, “lo-cal”, “good food”, “bad food”,  you get the idea. The labeling doesn’t stop with food though. We put labels on ourselves and others.  Even the government slaps labels on us.  Most of the time when we as people are labeled we are also put into a one size fits all group.  I have a BIG problem with that. People are not one size fits all or one size fits most. We are one size fits one but to make things easier we are given labels and shoved into a group that most likely doesn’t fit us in any way. 

Specifically, I’m going to focus on health. There are other things I could talk about but some of those things could easily become political and since I am a-political (I abhor everything to do with politics, and there I go labeling myself) I’m going to steer clear of most of those topics.  The current pandemic has focused a lot on a scale used to characterize people and put them into a group.  Again a one size fits all approach.  I’m talking about the BMI scale. I HATE this scale. I hate it because I have spent much of my adult life trying to fit into a group that I will never fit into. 

My husband and I were talking about this today. He is in the obese group and I’m in the overweight group. Meanwhile his brother who is tall and lanky would be in the healthy weight group.  These groups are used to determine who is healthy and who is not. Why is that wrong and why do these groups not fit any of us? I eat healthy most of the time and exercise religiously. I am without a doubt healthier now than I was 20 years ago when I weighed 20 lbs less. I was then stuffing my face with fried and processed foods and not exercising at all.  Yet, I was considered healthy because I was in the healthy weight category.  Was I really healthy?

My husband also now works out every day and eats in a way that makes him feel good. But we are both built differently than his brother.  My husband was never at a healthy weight, therefore he has always been considered unhealthy. But his blood pressure is now much less than it was even 5 years ago and he is in better shape. Is he really unhealthy?

On the other side of the spectrum, there is my husband’s brother. He doesn’t have the best diet and doesn’t exercise but because of his build he never gains weight.  He is in the healthy weight range so he is considered healthy.  But is he?

None of us fit into the categories that we are thrown into because our genes play a roll in how much we weigh and what size and shape we are.  Don’t get me wrong, we do have an obesity problem in this country that needs to be addressed but these labels are not the best way to go about solving that problem. That is a blog for another day. 

Perception

 Same thing, two different ways of seeing it.  Does this happen to us too?  Do we see ourselves differently than others see us?  This week I did an experiment to see if I do and HOW differently I see myself. 

I see myself as slightly overweight, so-so looking, short and a bit on the frumpy side. I’m also dedicated, hard working, helpful (sometimes too helpful), sarcastic, have average intelligence, am dependent on others (not independent) and desperate for people to like me.  There are things I’m really working on changing about myself such as gaining confidence and listening more, talking less and REALLY listening instead of trying to formulate a response the whole time. 

I made the above list and then I asked some volunteers for help with this. Some are my friends, some are just acquaintances and some I’ve never even met in person but just talk with online.  I asked all of them the same question. How do you see me?  Disclaimer, I told each of the volunteers that they needed to tell me the bad too because I needed a realistic view but very few of them came back with negative comments. I’m not vain enough to think that there is nothing negative to say about me but let’s get to the results and then we’ll discuss this further. 

So I’ll start with my good friends. They see me as beautiful, loyal, introverted, supportive, complimentary, a good listener and wanting of people to like me.  Some of these things made my list, some didn’t and some were the complete opposite of how I see myself.  Hmmmm...

Now, how did those who maybe don’t know me quite so well see me?  Some words that came up were intelligent, straightforward, focused, fit, committed, kind, friendly, gorgeous, balanced, loves my work, loyal, strong, hard working.  Same deal as above. 

We agreed that I was hard working, dedicated/committed, helpful/kind and I want people to like me.  But, we disagreed on my intelligence level, my level of beauty, strength and my listening ability.  Why is that?  Is it because I know myself better than they do or because I’m a lot harder on myself than they are on me?Or is it because they don’t see the flaws that I feel are so prominently displayed?  Probably a bit of all of these.  In general, most of us are harder on ourselves than we are on others.  I prefer to consider it that I hold myself to a higher standard than I hold others to.  I’m also much more willing to forgive flaws in others, or not even notice them to begin with, than I am to forgive or not notice them in myself. 

Why do we do this to ourselves?  I’m still trying to figure that out myself. I’m much more comfortable giving a compliment than I am accepting one. In part that is not wanting to appear egotistical.  Not one person mentioned that I was egotistical but in not accepting those compliments as the truth, my self-confidence suffers. 

There has to be a balance between what we see in ourselves and what others see. I was pleasantly surprised that there were some things we agreed on. A few months ago that would not have happened because I would have not seen anything positive in myself.  I’m still working. Maybe one day I’ll see the same things in myself that others do.  Until then, I’ll keep working.

Special thank you goes out to LZ, DK, JG, VM and KS for your help with this experiment!  Thank you for seeing the good in me!

To Me With Love

 How did I get here?  How did I get to the point where I would give myself a Valentine and mean it?  If you had asked me even 3 months ago to do something like that I would have laughed and said maybe in about 10-20 years.  I’ve talked a bit about listening to a podcast and trying to find out why others like me and believe me that helped. One day I did look in the mirror and say to myself, “You are 44 years old and overweight but you don’t look bad for someone older and others love you so I do too.”  And that was HUGE but it didn’t get me to where I am today. That was just over 2 months ago.  Now I look at myself and say I am beautiful and I’m happy to be me. Some parts of that statement have disappeared and other parts have been enhanced. 

Let’s start with the overweight thing. According to my BMI, I am in the overweight category. That has always weighed very heavily on me, no pun intended. My happiness depended on what the scale said. A few years ago I had DNA testing done and one of the results was my ideal weight. It is the weight I’m at right now. I discounted it because that was overweight so it couldn’t possibly be right. Enter the Embrace Your Real podcast where I constantly heard that my happiness should not depend on a number, weight is just the effect of gravity on your body, my weight does not define who I am. I wished. The problem was that my weight DID define me. It defined me as overweight. But I kept hearing those messages and I also heard that there is someone out there who is longing to be the weight I am right now. That last one really helped to put things into perspective for me.  I workout so I have muscles. I don’t always eat 100% nutritious but I eat what makes my body feel good about 90% of the time. So maybe those charts are wrong. Maybe this IS my ideal weight. 

I have one friend who has probably helped me more than she will ever know. She has a loving family, lots of friends and is probably the nicest, kindest, most forgiving person I have ever met. And she actually wants to be friends with me!  Pre-COVID-19 she would seek me out to hang out with me. I’m not going to  lie and say I understand why because I don’t see it but if someone like her loves me then there must be some reason and maybe I should love me too. 

Lots of progress has been made in a short period of time and I still have work to do but today I passed another milestone. I hide behind my hair. I have long hair and I always, always, always wear it down unless I’m working out or in the pool.  But all winter of blow drying and straightening has taken its toll and my hair is fried. It needed a break from all of that. So I washed it and put it up in a bun today. I feel awkward but I’m going to do it because it’s a step forward and I probably don’t look as bad as I think I do. 

This Valentines Day love yourself because there are lots of people out there who love you too!

Winter of Discontent

I am not a lover of winter.  I am just not well suited for a winter climate.  Cold air really bothers my asthma so I’m not a fan of the cold.  I don’t have one positive thought when it snows because I’m stuck in the house. I love my house but I need to leave it regularly.  Snowy roads make it hard to do that.  The flat light from gray skies and a snow covered ground makes me tired and gives me a headache. Ugh! 

This week all of the above things plus pandemic related issues made SAD hit me like a Mack truck. I’ve always been able to just deal with my seasonal disorder.  I just push it to the back of my mind and carry on. This week was different. It was like I was living my own personal Groundhog Day except Sonny and Cher didn’t sing me awake daily.  While we are on the subject of Groundhog Day it is perpetually cloudy in Central Pennsylvania and on Tuesday it was snowing so how did that little bugger see his shadow?  But I digress. So what made this week and this year any different?

It snowed literally for 4 days straight. Continuously.  I’m not joking!  I was stuck at home for 3 of those days.  I live in an area where most days during the winter are cloudy with at least some flurries but 4 straight days of full on snow?  Too much for me. Strike 1. 

Mask wearing all day at work has taken it’s toll on my asthma. In one year my asthma attacks have increased more than tenfold. Wednesday I tried out a new mask that was not my favorite asthma mask, which they don’t make anymore. Wednesday night I was up all night having asthma attacks. I had nine which believe it or not was not a personal record for me since last March. I was exhausted and spent all day Thursday gasping for breath. Strike 2 and 3. 

As I looked at weather models on Thursday to contemplate another snow event that night, one possible on Sunday and yet another on Tuesday I almost burst into tears. From then on, everything that day made me want to cry.  I had hit a low I hadn’t been at before.  I struggled for one day.  My heart goes out to those who feel this way EVERY day.

So, if the winter bothers me so much why don’t I just move?  Well, my husband’s job is here and my son is almost done with high school so for the time being I’m stuck. But I don’t think it’s just the winter. Usually I don’t struggle as much in the winter. When you add in the pandemic, mask wearing making my asthma worse, not seeing some of my friends or family in more than a year and certainly not getting together with friends on a regular basis it really wears you down. I’m sure there are many people suffering. I usually suffer in silence and I’m sure there are many people suffering in silence as well. 

Since I may not know if someone is suffering this week I vow to be kind because you never know what people are dealing with and I don’t want to add anything to that. Kindness...pass it on.  With 6 accumulating snow events possible over the course of the next week and a half I’m going to try to take a deep breath and soldier on.  41 days until spring.