Friendships

I was listening to a podcast yesterday about friendship. It started out great, different levels of friendship and things of that nature and then things turned ugly. 

I am a person who does not have alot of close friends. I have plenty of casual friends and acquaintances but very few people that I would consider close friends and not one who I would consider an intimate friend or BFF.  I’ve always wondered why that is. So when a question was posed in the podcast yesterday why do you not have intimate friends I was all ears. 

The answer was that it is your fault.  Maybe you are shy or you don’t love yourself or you are a narcissist or you had a not so good childhood or you were too desperate or needy. All of those were listed as reasons why you were at fault and had no intimate friends.  Ok. Tough love. I get it and I was with the podcaster up until this point. I could totally see it and understand it because I am shy and I have low self esteem issues that I am working through. Maybe I’m just too much for people to handle and I totally get that. I have baggage and I know I need to work through it and I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to take me on. 

Then something happened that made me reevaluate my feelings for this podcaster completely. Please understand that I have known of and held this podcaster in the highest regard for years. I love her fitness programs and her overall health messages. 

After describing why people such as myself have no intimate friends and why it is entirely our fault she addressed everyone else and the message was don’t bother with these types of people. They aren’t worth your time or effort. Maybe she’s right but I was completely devastated to hear that. What it said to me was because I am shy and have low self esteem I am not worthy of friendship or even being loved and I am a waste of time. Wow!  Just wow!  That right there is going to help the self esteem. 

Yes, I am shy. Yes, I don’t think very highly of myself. Yes, I am probably draining at times. But does that mean I’m not worthy of friendship or of love????  

Coming To Terms With Nutrition

 Nutrition.  It is something I spent much of my life avoiding and now I’m trying to wrap my head around what it means for me.  Eat nutritious foods and limit foods that aren’t nutritious. Seems pretty easy and straight forward right?  If only. There is so much more to it than that. Plus social media bombards us with all kinds of mixed messages about it and different ways to eat healthy. Eat vegetarian, don’t eat carbs, eat 6 small meals, don’t eat between meals, follow intermittent fasting, don’t eat after 7 PM, the list goes on and on. It’s mind blowing and you can easily become overwhelmed. I know I did. 

It’s also easy to become complacent. I’m following this eating plan or that plan so I’m eating healthy and my nutrition is on point. I thought that. I thought that because I was eating a healthy diet I was getting everything that my body needed.  But something wasn’t feeling right with my body so I enlisted the help of a nutritionist. She immediately suggested nutrition testing which I was all for. I knew I’d be good because I eat healthy most of the time. Boy was I wrong!  My test results showed that I was deficient in many areas that were essential for my body to function properly. 

How could this be?  I eat healthy...most of the time. How can my body be deficient in so many nutrients?  I was eating healthy but I wasn’t eating a variety of different healthy things. I was eating the same healthy things over and over again. So I had an imbalance. Too much of some things and not enough of others. It was really eye opening. So I’m trying to do better. I’m trying to eat a rainbow every day and I’m taking my supplements and hopefully I’m on the road to a body that has everything it needs to function properly. It will be a lifelong journey. Remember the best eating plan for you is one that you can stick with for the long haul. It can’t be a diet. It has to be a lifestyle. 

My Health Journey

I’m someone who has struggled with my weight for as long as I can remember. I have vivid memories of being a 10 year old in ballet class and noticing that I was bigger than almost everyone else.  I wasn’t overweight at that point, I weighed in at 56 lbs...thank you Ground Round for kids pay what they weigh which is how I know this. I was petite and skinny but I had started to develop a large butt and thighs and it didn’t go unnoticed as I danced in front of a wall of mirrors. I started to see myself as big. 

Flash forward to college, I was no longer dancing and was spending a large portion of my life dedicated to my studies. This often meant running to the dining hall and grabbing something I could eat quickly so I could get back to my work. This wasn’t always the healthiest choice and my weight reflected that. I wasn’t overweight but I was heading that direction. 

After college, I started working as a meteorologist. To say the hours were crazy would be an understatement. I was working over 60 hours a week, with stretches of almost a full month before I had a day off. This was not a healthy lifestyle. I had no time for anything other than the occasional walk and I basically threw food down without having time to think about it.  I was now overweight.  Throw a pregnancy in there and I was tipping the scales a good 20 lbs over a healthy weight.  No big deal right, there are plenty of people much more overweight than that and that is true.  However, at that point I was struggling to have another child and the reason given was because I was overweight.  I slipped into a deep despair.  I was overweight and that was denying my husband the joy of another child.  It totally consumed me.  I found no joy in anything.  I became obsessed with losing weight so I could have another baby.  

I decided to try Weight Watchers and it worked pretty quickly.  I lost 30 lbs and I was back to a healthy weight.  I quit my meteorology job and got a part time job with normal hours.  I started working out hard every day.  I knew that would solve all my problems.  But it didn’t.  I still couldn’t get pregnant.  I tried medication and hormones.  Nothing worked.  In the meantime, I developed some issues which led to me having to have a uterine ablation.  I could no longer have another child.  I was distraught.  I turned to food for comfort.  I was still working out hard but I was eating even harder to compensate.  I thought working out gave me an excuse to eat even more.  The weight came back.  So that meant I worked out even harder but instead of eating more this time I ate way less.  I lost weight but I didn’t feel good.  I became obsessed with how my body looked.  I had flab everywhere but everything was starting to shape up from my hard exercising except for my c-section pooch.  It made me crazy.  I became obsessed with it.  I ate less and worked out more.  Nothing helped.  

With the support of my husband I decided to get a tummy tuck.  I figured I was getting it taken care of so that gave me an excuse to eat again.  I gained some weight back.  I didn’t like the way I was feeling or the weight rollercoaster I was on.  So I got a Beachbody coach, love you Vanessa, and started working out with 21 Day Fix Extreme.  I also followed the Portion Fix meal plan.  This was the first time ever that I had aligned my eating and exercising and it made a world of difference.  I didn’t lose 30 lbs but I was back to a healthy weight.  The tummy tuck made a huge difference for me too.  As it turns out it wasn’t fat, it was all excess skin.  I dropped from a size 12 to a size 4!  Even after losing 30 lbs on Weight Watchers I was still a size 10 at my lowest.  

Five years later I’m still working out with Beachbody, right now I’m on my second round in a row of 80 Day Obsession.  But although I’m still eating the same my weight is starting to creep up again.  The same old things just aren’t working.  So I’m also working with a nutritionist.  I’m trying to focus less on my weight (I am currently 5 lbs overweight) and more on being the healthiest version of me.  I’m focusing on how I’m feeling and trying to do things that make me feel good.  

How will it turn out?  I have no idea.  That’s why life is a journey not a destination.  Stay tuned...

Everyday Joys

 I’m not going to lie. This year has been tough, probably for most of us. It seems that every issue is polarizing. It has been so easy to find yourself in a debate on any topic. Many people seem to have something to say and seem to think that they have all the answers.  They also don’t mind telling you what to do.  You can find yourself down the rabbit hole in the blink of an eye. 

So to rid myself of this madness and keep my mind right I’m going to focus on paying attention to the every day joys all around me. Yesterday I started my day by moving my body to celebrate what my body can do and to build strength to ensure that I can continue to move my body well into the future. I also found joy in harvesting my first pumpkin from the seeds I planted in May. 

Today, I took a walk and reveled in the beautiful, blue sky and the bright sunshine on my face. I enjoyed the soft breeze with the feel of fall on it. Now, I am enjoying the smell of the first apple crisp of fall baking in my oven.  All such small things but things that will help to keep me grounded and my head in the right place when things get crazy around me. 

As we head into the last quarter of this crazy year, I encourage you to slow down and enjoy the small, everyday joys all around you because you never know what craziness is just around the corner. 

Trying Times

 I work in a high school library. Our school district decided that we would try in person school for those students who wanted to be in school. For the past 3 weeks I have been back at work and it has been so great. We have taken MANY precautions and I feel safe being back. The interactions with colleagues and students have been fantastic. Everyone is just happy to be back and have a small slice of normal in their lives. I also live in a college town. With more people now in residence our daily positive COVID-19 numbers have increased. Closing school is now on the table. 

I’m scared of losing my job or being furloughed or losing my health benefits. I’m also worried about going back to being at home with not much to do yet again. I worry about the students as well. While I am concerned about myself, my biggest concern is always for the students I serve.  They are the most important part of the equation.  I feel like I must do what is best for them no matter how it impacts me.  

The problem is that I don’t know what is best for them.  I feel like our community is at war.  Everyone has something to say and it seems like it is all about furthering their own agenda.  The students and what is best for them seems to be getting lost in the shuffle.  This makes me so sad.  

I don’t have an answer but the more interaction I have with the students at school the more I see that they are much wiser than their years.  Maybe we should ask them.  Seems to be something our community hasn’t considered.  None of us has the answer no matter how much some believe that they do.  The opinions of our kids might be the breath of fresh air we need.

My Why

 Why?  Why am I writing a blog?  It’s something I’ve wanted to do for while. To share my love of weather, Disney and baking. Also to share my experiences as a woman who struggles with low self-esteem. 

It has taken me a long time to gather the courage to start this blog because of my self-esteem issues.  I am a people pleaser and if even one person reacted negatively (unpleased) that would to me be failure.  During my formative years, very little that I ever did was good enough. It seemed that because of that I never made anyone proud, I was useless. So I learned that I needed to please everyone around me and do exactly what they wanted in order to make them proud. I associated other people being proud of me with self-worth. I could only be happy if I was doing what others wanted and making them proud of me.  But I wasn’t happy.  I couldn’t wrap my mind around why. I eventually decided that I was taking on an impossible task because I can’t please everyone all of the time. That meant it would be impossible for me to be happy.  I never for one second thought about doing what I wanted. I never even considered that THAT might be the key to my own happiness. 

Fast forward a couple of decades and I’m still at it. So what changed and made me change my mind about starting this blog?  One podcast. Embrace Your Real by Julie A. Ledbetter. I was listening to an episode that seemed like it was meant for me. One thing she said really stuck with me. She said that I could probably name 5 people who like me for who I am when I am being myself with no filters. My immediate thought was no way. But as I thought about it I realized that I could.  So the next step was why do I care what anyone else thinks?  My immediate thought was because I’m a people pleaser. But why do I need to be a people pleaser? If I can only worry about pleasing one person, myself, then that would take so much extra work off my plate. To top it off, those 5 people will still like me regardless. Maybe that is the key to my own happiness.

That is my why. This blog is my experiment. I’m doing something I want to do and using it to see if it makes me a happier person. Plus if I can help someone else in the process that is even better.  So far I’m happy I did this and I’ll be adding other experiments as I go along and documenting them here. 

Here’s to happiness!!!!

Second Guesses

 I have spent the majority of my life second guessing every decision I make, every conversation I have, everything I do or don’t do. I’m incapable of making decisions because I’m afraid of making the wrong one. So I end up over analyzing everything to death.  I replay conversations with people in my head on a constant loop shaming myself for saying this or not saying that. It’s exhausting!!!!!

Yesterday, a new school year started.  I decided to take this opportunity to try to have conversations with my colleagues and not second guess or replay conversations.  I’m a shy, introverted person by nature so talking to anyone in the first place is hard enough.  I was determined so I started by saying hello to anyone who entered my work space.  Most people said hello and moved on.  Some people completely ignored me.  I don’t get that!  Honestly, I spend a serious amount of time avoiding people and conversations.  I will go out of my way to avoid crossing paths with other people if at all possible.  But if someone says hello to me, even shy, introverted me can’t just ignore them.  I always return the greeting.  It takes no time at all to return a greeting and then be on my way.  It takes effort for someone like me but to not return the greeting seems downright rude.  My shyness has led people to label me stuck up or a snob or unfriendly and I totally get that but I will not tolerate being labeled as rude!  So I put forth the effort and return any and all greetings directed at me and probably some that aren’t too.

So while I did encounter some rude people, there were also people who stopped to chat.  I resolved to have conversations with these individuals and not second guess everything I said or didn’t say.  Well, I did it.  I had the conversations and then put it right out of my head.  Once it was done I moved on.  I didn’t question anything or over analyze the meaning behind things the other person said.  I’m classic for that too.  What did he/she mean by that?  Nine times out of ten just what they said or asked with no other motive but I am relatively gifted at coming up with all kinds of scenarios and hidden meanings.  Yesterday though I put that talent on the back burner.  

The strangest thing happened.  My brain wasn’t busy overthinking so it had time to do other things, like focusing on what I was actually doing!  Plus I was able to give my brain the rest it needed by turning it off and getting a good night’s sleep.  It was a minor miracle!

Plus one of my conversational participants even stopped in the hall to talk to me again on the way out of the building after work and another stopped in to chat again today!  

It wasn’t easy going against everything I’ve ever done but I resolved to do it so I did.  I can’t guarantee that I will always be able to do this but as with all things that I am working to improve I am just going to put one foot in front of the other and try to keep moving forward!